Moms and sons have a special relationship that is different than all others. While everyone is trying to make boys tough, moms are the ones who make sure their life has as much encouragement and love as they will tolerate. From the time Garrison could talk we had our own special saying. I would say, "My Garrison and no one else's!" and he would say "My Mommy and no one else's!" In those early years we talked all the time and he thought my answer’s to his “why” questions where brilliant.
Many years later I can still hear his small voice from the back seat, "Mommy will you hold my hand?" My little guy always wanted to hold my hand as he fell asleep. Over the years I must have driven hundreds of miles with one hand on the wheel and one hand reaching behind me holding that cute stubby hand. To this day Garrison always sleeps when a car is in motion.
As the years came and went we evolved from hugs and kisses in public to high fives and the endless, “I love you, no, I love you more,” became I love you only when he was going to bed. As the teenage years hit and it was no longer cool to hang with mom I was replaced by teachers and coaches who had better answer’s to his why questions than I did. I now know all of this was preparing me for the big day; the day I would take my son to college and leave him in a new place where I would have no control.
Recently as we drove Garrison to college for Student Orientation, panic hit as I wondered if I had forgotten to tell him anything important he would need in his new life without me like- You are so good looking and so sweet and girls are going to take advantage of you, or be sure and hang up your stuff right out of the dryer so it isn't wrinkled, or please don't make a really stupid decision that you will carry with you for the rest of your life.
Even though I have been dreading this moment for 18 years, I knew it was coming and one day he would be excited to leave our home and start his own life. We had spent hours pouring into his Soul being sure it was filled with the substance of God. He would no longer be asking us for permission, or waking us up to tell us he was home, or cleaning his room, or taking out the trash, or mowing the lawn, or putting away his clothes. He would now be making ALL of his own decisions and doing what he wanted.
Then the panic really set in as I thought of the kids when I was at college who went crazy when they left home and did things they now regret. I wondered if he would be a selfish college student who did nothing but have fun and make himself happy.
Then I thought over this last summer as I watched him with admiration go to Africa and work so hard in the sun until he was blistered all over and still have love to give to little African kids who didn't know love. How he told them the Bible said God loved them and wanted to be their friend. He was shocked how the kids were thankful for the smallest things we take for granted each day such as their porridge they had to fill their hungry stomachs. It was then I knew God had etched something on his heart that even I had no power to battle, the battle is Gods. Then God said to my heart, "Mary, Garrison is mine and no one else's." Our loan with Garrison has expired and now it is time to let him go.
I know Garrison will come home for holidays and visits, but he will never need me as he has in the past. One of the hardest and most necessary parts of a mother's love is to let her children grow up and away from her. Our kids don't want to hear how much we'll cry and miss them; they want to hear I love you and believe in you! You have an exciting future ahead and with God all things are possible.
Which is what I chose to do that day as I hugged my first born goodbye in the dorm parking lot. Garrison leaned over and asked me, "Is this going to be a THING, you know Mom I am not dying, I'm just going to college!" I laughed and told him God had great plans for him and I know he will do great, then of course the mom voice kicked in....don't forget to make good choices and follow God."
Actually I am at peace and so thankful I am no longer responsible for his decisions and helping him remember everything. Yes, God he is Yours and no one else's.
Deut. 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
